3 Marriage Musts From Your Husband!

Marriage absolutely matters in Salt Lake City.  Husbands want their wives to understand them more deeply, fully, and consistently.  Men are often labeled as non-verbal, aloof, and disconnected.  But that’s actually not it!  These three Marriage Musts From Your Husband are absolutely critical to spicing up your marriage.

Must #1 From Your Husband — Appreciate Him

Most married women don’t understand how much her opinion matters to her husband. In fact, many believe that her husband really doesn’t listen to her on a consistent basis.  It has been my experience this isn’t necessarily the case.  Not only does her opinion matter to him, her appreciation of him is usually a huge motivator to work more devotedly in the marriage.  Not sure if this makes sense? This example will help.  Husband (will call him Sean) has just completed a yard project at their home.  He’s been working on it for a couple of weekends and believes his wife (Jessica) will appreciate how much time, effort, and sacrifice this yard over haul has taken…on her behalf.  Yes her behalf.  Sean asks Jessica to come outside and then comments how on “beautiful the yard looks.” Jessica looks around briefly and says hurriedly “that’s nice honey” as she dashes back into the house yelling back that “I need to check on lunch!” Ouch! Sean was absolutely counting on his Queen to gush over the yard, his effort, and his devotion to her. You see, Jessica had asked for a rock garden last year. Sean has been planning this upgrade just for her. Sean now has two choices…three actually.  He can either go in and speak with her about the rock garden, or let it go and hope that she will be more attentive later on.  The third is frustration and anger…held inside. What is the best choice? How would you handle this potentially relationship damaging situation?

Must #2 — Compliment Him

I’ve heard it said that the best way to a husbands heart is through his stomach.  While this is helpful, my experience tells me that it’s actually through compliments and support for him.  Compliments are actually different than appreciating what he does for his wife. A compliment can include most if not all of the following:

* How handsome (hot!) he is today!

* How well he plays with your children

* How amazing of a provider he is for your family

Get the idea? It’s really about building your husband up by using your amazing influence in his life.  Now you may say to yourself, “he never compliments or thanks me for doing the dishes, why should I compliment him when he does?” The answer to that question really quite simple.  You’re building him up to be a better husband when you do! And what wife in Salt Lake City area doesn’t want her husband to be more connected, supportive, and absolutely devoted to her?!  In her blog post entitled 10 Compliments Your Husband Needs To Hear, Heather Hale points out that “It doesn’t take much to make your husband’s day, boost his confidence and make him want to lift you up in return.”  Her complete blog is found here and is a nice read. http://familyshare.com/10-compliments-your-husband-needs-to-hear.  While it may take a little practice to “catch your husband doing something right,” its well worth the effort.  In fact, reciprocity in marriage is sooooo critical.  In other words, “what goes around comes around” and as a wife you want the coming and going to be very positive.  Indeed, the relationship perks are endless and you don’t want to miss out on any that your husband will be increasingly willing to send your way! I’ve written on this subject previously and recommend you check this out at http://englandcounseling.org/love-in-your-marriage/

Must #3 — Support Him

 I strongly considered putting the phrase “Make Love to Him” as my 3rd of my three Marriage Musts From Your Husband. However, that would take away from an amazing opportunity to discuss a critical marriage principle that often gets overlooked in marriage literature (I address lovemaking at the end of this blog).

I’ve often heard men both in counseling and in the community state that he felt disrespected by his wife when she did one or all of the following:

* Undermined his authority in front of the children

* Shared personal details of their marriage with a friend or family member

* Reached out through social media to discuss a matter that shouldn’t be shared in the cyber world

Ouch! All three are tough.  However, the most difficult for many husbands to manage is the first item.  Having a husband feel “thrown under he bus” in front of the children is a huge downer to the overall marital trust.  This example will help shed some light on this subject.  A husband (will call him Kris) has just set a consequence of no cell-phone for a day after their 17 year old daughter came home an hour late from a date. His wife (Karen) believes that this consequence is too harsh and openly questions her husband regarding this decision in front of their daughter and three younger siblings.  Kris is frustrated by her reaction and states that he and his wife “need to be on the same page.”  Karen agrees and says with a bit of sarcasm that the same page would include “not over-punishing their daughter.”  Ugh! This conversation is simply escalating and going nowhere.  How would you handle this parenting challenge? Do you agree with Karen’s approach?

A much more effective and healthy solution would be for Karen and Kris to commit to setting rules of when to discuss difficult circumstances involving the children.  Thus, have the discussion of setting a consequence for their daughter privately rather than making it a circus for sarcasm with the children present.  This would allow Kris to not feel vilified and Karen to believe her husband isn’t disrespecting her daughter who she still see’s as her little princess.

Make Love To Him

Critical to this discussion is the oft mentioned marital challenge of making love (sex).  However, a better word to discuss is affection.  Too often in our society we label men as always wanting sex and women always wanting to be emotional.  Clearly, women aren’t always emotional and men aren’t always seeking sex.  These are stereotypes that can greatly inhibit your marriage from reaching its full potential.  A more effective discussion is our need for affection in marriage.  Affection absolutely isn’t always sexual and can include, but certainly isn’t limited to the following;  Touch, holding hands, kind conversation, flirting, teasing, a kiss on the forehead, a kiss on the hand, rubbing your hand through her hair, caressing her neck, kissing him deeply, kissing her softly…and yes, Making Love! Truly, being affectionate and closely connected can often be the precursor to having an interest or desire to be physically intimate with your spouse.

Wives, for a successful marriage, focusing on appreciating him, complimenting him, supporting him and yes, making love to him on a consistent basis will work wonders on a marriage that is stuck and going nowhere.  It is my hope that all marriages can improve by accomplishing these 3 Marital Musts from Your Husband.  Try it…it absolutely works. The only thing you have to lose is a marriage that seems just okay for a marriage that is absolutely rocking it!

Michael Boman, LCSW is the Clinical Director at England Counseling Services and LifeSTAR Oquirrh.  Michael speaks often on issues related to marriage, family and health. Should you or your spouse be struggling with issues related to marital connection or intimacy, we can help.  Our clinical staff is accepting new clients.  Please call us today at (801) 250-2909 or email us at [email protected] to schedule your session appointment to begin improving your marriage. Don’t wait another day to begin!  

 

 


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